Author Archives: janicesandeen

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About janicesandeen

Being. Timelessness. The naturalness of being on and of the Earth: communing with animals and humans while being integral with the nature of we. Perceiving humanity and the All at frequencies of all different scales. I write and collaborate with others in the confluence of these. Thanks for contemplating and communing with me or just tuning in for the moment. Blessings from the vast realms of northern New Mexico.

On the Journey Between Two

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Relax. Into this. And this. Relax is something that permeates into an aspect of self and being where there is no longer two. Most of my thinking seems directed by a self, a will that the self identifies as its own and yet      … and yet there is another mind or one who experiences thinking within as the very nature of space receives all things. I have been treading this ground of late, this ground of seeing and seeing and feeling into.

This ground seems pocked by hot spots, surges of energy or activity where there seems to be a discourse and nearly a battle. But the battle only appears to be a battle and is actually an incredible dance of forces merging into themselves, realizing and actualizing the potential within the not-two or between that which appears and that which is without appearance.

To have such definition on this road, the road, in actuality, of space, the misconception so easily made is to give precedence to appearances and their seeming positions and volition. This take on what simply is is often a mis-take. What can seem to be one of the self primarily, the aspect of self that is organized around identifying with, may separate out the one from the two. In effect this separating out is saying ‘I direct this and you direct that’ and in that excluding virtually all the richness of what simply is existing or co-existing, using that word to not exclude the mind’s dualistic nature here, in unconditional space.

For the self that I have so often identified with seems to be one that has a capacity to direct, to parse out, to refuse, to orient to or not, to find difference with, and therefore identify with one thing over another. I sit with the energy of this all now, the energy of it as pure space or of it existing in unconditional space/time. Something else occurs there and then (funny references really, the ‘there’ and the ‘then’) for those very references or reference points drop away or no longer serve anything of truth.

The something else is relax. Back to the first utterance, at least of this blog, and pointing to, relax is in a sense no where to go, nothing to define one thing against another. And this relax may be different from within my view or perspective from another person’s individual consciousness. And even that difference is included here. Such a unique liberation for that self that I have been identifying with so strongly. Self continues on its journey even in the relax. Self doesn’t need to identify with, it just is.

Even the way the writing is happening today seems to have relax in it. Arriving without arriving, in a way. Not making or creating a position, just seeing now as seeing is happening and allowing a writ of that. Even the words that come are fascinating as the arising, in their arising. Writ large of the Relax.

So Many Reflections Through This Form

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First, it’s the music ~ music is one of the deepest reflections there is for me. A reflection in the most visceral sense where within me a recognition is stirred of the primordial nature of what I feel to be my very core self or essence. When I experience this kind of reflection, it’s as if I have access to the formless nature of being through the form of my physical self, the simple within the complex, and the vastness of the timeless within the present moment. It’s not as if I’m listening to music, but I am the music, the awareness, consciousness, and the embodiment of the music. ~ 10.7.11

Another is simply being one with nature ~ interesting, this one. Of course, I am one with nature, as there is no separating that very core aspect of this form existing in nature, as nature, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to perceive myself as ‘being one with nature.’ What occurs more than not, however, is that I am in some organized structure, a house, a car, something constructed out of nature, but one that creates more of a separation from nature than not. These structures and dwelling in them seems to me to be similar to the mind dwelling in a concept ~ there is some ‘safety’ or ‘protection’ there in the concept, but ultimately an artificial boundary.

Stepping outside of these structures, I find I meld with or join my timeless and natural state of being when just surrendering the form into natural landscape. I walk and walk up into the hills only to immerse my nature in the nature of these surrounding hills and forests, laying supine on a grassy slope facing the western sinking sun. I experience the closest thing to this ‘pre-mind’ nature in my ‘post-mind’ consciousness.

Eckhart Tolle describes nature and animals as being ‘pre-mind’ and humans as ‘post-mind.’ (In his CD collection called the art of PRESENCE.) What I take from this is that even though we, as humans, have been front and center so overly involved on an evolutionary level with the development of the mind and thus the preoccupations of the mind, we are actually at a time when we have the opportunity to step into a new ‘post-mind’ relationship with being that has an interesting relationship with the ‘pre-mind’ state of being we can witness in animals and nature. “Connecting with being,” he calls it “connecting with your body, it’s more than body, the invisible life that animates the body, the intelligence field.”

Riding the Way of Human Experiencing and not-Knowing

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I just can’t know how things are until the whole of the experience that I am in is experienced all the way through to it’s fulfillment or completion. Of course, I think I know and I’ve thought I knew ‘what was going on’ many a time and moved from that place thinking I knew. A while back, I met this realization, both sides of it, in the flesh, so to speak, in a way that it landed in my cells as a recognition that I responded to within my life intelligence. Ah, freeing and at the same time weighty in some way. I was inspired again today to reflect on this insight on the workings of such a deep mechanism in the human, experiential way after reading a quote by a fellow HD journeyer who shared her own insights into this phenomena. She describes this in her own words, but she maps it out beautifully in her pointing to the nature of this particular ‘way’ of human experiences and awareness:

Let’s say, I set ‘100’ as the marker, I consider ’99’ the mid-point” – ’cause that’s exactly what the Human Experiential Way is about (41/30 -> 36/35). Once you arrive at the ’50’ mark you may still be fully excited that you are getting exactly what you planned, what you wanted – then very few make it, endure until the ’70th mark’, since frustration/ bitterness/ anger/ disappointment has already overruled the Body’s Intelligence – and it’s only about: “I gotta get it! Gotta get it, no matter the price!” – oh, how much waste of resources, how much resistance, how much wear and tear on your body! – And then, just when the real mystery/miracle, uniquely designed for you, is about to happen, this point 99, only 1 more step to go! you have already lost all of your JUICE, and maybe longtime given up on that Initial Spark that had set you on this experiential journey… and it’s then, ‘IT’ suddenly happens! So, that’s what I’ve learned and learning again and again: Stay with it! Follow your unique strategy and inner authority no matter what the ‘results’!! 🙂 Then you truly have a life! Doesn’t have to be the one you thought… CAN actually never be the one you thought. Such a Joke and also such a drag many times. -Life reveals itself, no one knows your truth, since it’s only been waiting for you… this is what I woke up with today, right from the bottom of my being.- ~ Gisela Koška

My personality Sun gate, the 41, initiates this whole cycle. I, at times, can feel that working in me, especially right now where the global program is providing the 30th gate and the 35th gate to my 41 and 36, both on the personality side. What can pop out of my mouth, some part of me trying to ‘describe’ what is going on, continues to amaze me at the audacity of what is declared! “This is what is happening…” I so boldly declare, as I have the feeling that I can speak ‘what is true’ and yet, as stated earlier here, by its very nature, we cannot know what is unfolding, what is true even, until the full unfolding is reached. And not reached in a pseudo way, seemingly offering ‘knowing!’

This circuit also carries a different kind of wave than I am used to. Hope and pain, hope and pain and back again. In the hope cycle, it’s so easy to find myself declaring that I know what’s going on! Even in the pain, it’s as if I feel I can see into the underbelly of what is present, instead of just being in presence, relaxing into the passenger consciousness. I seem to enlist others (ah the collective nature of this circuitry) so easily or at least I seem to feel impulsed with a strong desire (30th gate!) to include others, to share, to discuss… And all of this I am watching now.

Even in this writing, I have the feeling that I don’t know what to say. It’s as if I am reporting somewhere along the way, with really nothing to report other than “this is where I seem to be right now!” In the shift from speaking with a degree of certainty, to now watching all these impulses one way or the other to declare something to be so and, in truth, having no idea what is so, what is true other than being itself. So many others seem to wish me to tell them how it is in my life. People waiting for this very declaration and not asking me or even considering to ask, “do you really know that to be true?” or “can you know that to be truly the way it is?” Ah, the open breath that comes when I imagine friends and allies being with me in not-knowing, relishing it in the same way that I do!

I welcome you along with welcoming myself to this not-knowing journey, as long as it continues on. Oh joy, in that being! Love Yourself!

Nexus Self Rest as Motion

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The perception point as a place of rest within the space of time/space moving around me has become more real, more palpably felt for me lately. At one time I experienced what felt to me as a profound shift in my relationship to my thoughts through a recognition of the distinction between streams or kinds of awareness, each with their own unique natures. At that time, it was a great revelation, which was followed by moments that felt like a liberation as I would feel free to say, “ah, I’m not thinking about this!” Even though thinking happened, I would not bring my focus there as part of feeling into or sensing my movements or direction. It was a recognition that thinking was not required to ‘be’ and to be true within myself, that what was true for me had an autonomy all its own, not dependent on being thought through. I’m curious now, if that was a moment that I recognized the experience of resting in the mechanics of storyline.

And now, this resting within a primary perception point comes as felt sense, not so much a recognition of something, but internal sensing of something undeniable, real where all things in motion are held in a spatial or 360 degree relationship rather than a linear relationship. Listening deeply to music, I have a similar experience of the kind of spatial awareness I’m pointing to here. Although the music can be represented linearly by a score and be accessed by musicians and played via that score, the experience of being in the music, hearing it, is purely vibrational, non linear, spatial in the sense that the vibrations move all around in their unique tones and frequencies. Music, for me, is spatial, organically opening out awareness. I have such a deep recognition of my own nature as I rest in the music, music that I respond to and resonate with.

What I love about arriving at (where there is also no arriving, no departing) this perception point, is taking in the richness of the perceptual field from the vantage point of the spatial listener, the three and four dimensional seer, the receptive. The music or the view is complex and simple at once. There is totality and there are many threads, each unique and distinct that have their own natures. And these threads correspond with aspects of my conscious or unconscious uniqueness such that the actual weaving of these are a dance that happens all on its own. There is a felt sense of the totality within me and all around me indistinguishable, just as the music or silence has capacity to penetrate and completely absorb this nexus of self.

Critical Thinking ~ The Trickster Within

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I enjoy having a critical thinker in the house, my house, this house of flesh and bone and spirit. I especially enjoy it when there’s no pressure of anyone listening, or so it seems. I wonder what it would take to be a free thinker, sharing what I really think in a free way, as to say in an unencumbered way, energetically free, no blame, no posing one thing against another.

My computer powered down just when finishing that last sentence. Who or what had gotten into this house? In the pause, I reached over to the book, The Way We Lived, sitting on top of my book pile and opened the interlude pages for “Coyote and Spider” (that way that things just seem to magically happen ~ timing and juxtaposition at their best!) I settled in on these words of Malcolm Margolin about Coyote:

He is at the same time good and evil, crafty and foolish, godlike and scroungy. He is both the prankster and the dupe. He seems to exist in the free and wild area of the mind beyond duality–beyond the trick of intellect that divides things into good or bad, smart or stupid, winner or loser, allowable or forbidden. The trickster is everything at once. He dies, is dismembered, decays, and then is pulled back together again to continue his journey. He exists in an undifferentiated, boundless, intensely creative world.

Ah, I’d received a visitation. And what fertility there within! The realms of Coyote are both  relaxing and affirming to the deeply vexing parts of my being. It’s as if I’ve found a true ally in Coyote with my Design North Node in line 4 of the Gate of Confusion: Before Completion. Gate 64 is “Transition, like birth, requires a determined strength for the passage through.” And line 4, Conviction, is “Symbolized by its phases, the Moon is assured of transition convinced by its very process that it will triumph. The assuredness that confusion is a process that results in realization.” And then there is a classic Coyote in the detriment of the line: “Where force and energy alone cannot overcome doubt. Where the confusion is so energized, assuredness brings no relief.”

Where to begin? Right in the heart of confusion, no doubt. This kind of confusion, both the rich, fertile kind and the one that weakens me into a surrender of no where to go, is a kind of medicine. I found delight in reading that one of the names of the trickster is Sweet-Medicine. Ah… good to meet more fully both of these aspects of conviction today, as I’ve tasted both time and time again. Just as the heart can cry tears of deep grief and joy simultaneously, I find my journey in this blessed vehicle showing me the delicious nature of being myself, a portal to that free and wild area of the mind beyond duality.

Recognizing this aspect of self where doubt, confusion, and conviction play an essential role in my thinking, a natural role in the eco-system of my definition. Confusion, rich in trickster medicine, is a signpost in my story line. Without it, I don’t see what I am here to see. Even now, this writing has elements of confusion for me, yet I return to the page, I return to the thread and the visceral feel of the movement.

What brought me here earlier? The thinker in my house, Sweet-Medicine, the taste for the life that is uniquely my own ~ and that which calls to be shared, what may nourish and support those arriving here, too.

‘On the Shore’

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~ fifteen minute timed writing with a found starting phrase during a writing jam hosted by Daniel Ari, Richmond CA ~ October 23rd, 2011

On the shore, lapping up, the waters, amongst the grit of the sand and other things that are under foot. The grit under foot ~ stay there. It’s a visceral experience of staying with right now that feeds me, that calls me, beckons me to not divert the energy through thought, but to stay with experience, the connection with sensate beingness that is ground, ever present like the heat in my face now. A kind of flush that rises up as I sit with my own tendency to shift all too easily and quickly with what is, to what could be and now I recognize how dissatisfying that really is.

The questions are right there waiting, waiting to pop through, bleed through, but this time I’m experimenting with not giving them energy and instead going back to the shore of what I’m sitting with right now, the grit, wet and cool and coarse, under my feet ~ now anticipating the bell [the end of the writing period] and remembering we have more time in this round. Ah, I’d already gone into just a hint of measuring myself ~ good to see that it arises in me, too, not just others putting the measure out, putting the measure on me.

These grains of sand on the shore are right here under foot. Sand crystal touching cells of my skin communicating with no meaning needed to be conveyed, just being there. I stand and my legs meet my body, torso, heart, and the cosmos simultaneously. The peace of just being with, this feed me so deeply. Little else seems to feed me in this same way.

I am released in this release of being anywhere else than where I am right now ~ the belly both alive and on fire with itself, with the emotions there waiting to be digested, felt, and what else? I cant thing of how to say or write it, but I keep writing just as I stay right with what is calling me to be present here on the shores of feeling. And the questions lap up again and again, but they are gentle waves, not overwhelming. I can hear.

Vunerability Within

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29 September ~

My writing calls me, calls me here to place words outwardly that otherwise are fluid within. Vulnerabilities within anchor me, without hand holds, to the vastness of space within my heart and beingness. Sometimes this spaciousness is so vast, I can feel lost even when there is no where to go.

My contemplative fire within burns as an ember, low, gently warm, waiting to be rekindled in this autumn moon. It feels both awkward and tender, to write now. Coaxing something of that which is waiting to revive. I read the words of others, tenderness arising as the recognition of spirit in the life lived.

30 September ~ the following morning ~ The sun is softened, softened by somewhat heavy skies. The morning has a timeless quality, still under covers. I wake later than usual and my body/mind has a harder time sleeping late. It’s as if there is some deep confusion between waking and sleeping. The body aches, which gives a feeling to stay in bed. Staying in bed brings a different kind of weight, which impacts the whole. The house is quiet. I’m not the only one sleeping later today.

I long to write about the simple, everyday things on the material plane. I often write from the more subtle regions of the consciousness, the awareness of all that is. Then the object of awareness becomes the expression and the way of expression through language. This object is not so satisfying to the actual, physical life, the beingness in the body and of the body. And yet, these two are inextricably joined.

Instead, I take up a book with words written in the way that soothes and nourishes my soul and being. I can enjoy these writings. Maybe I don’t have to be the one who writes in that way. I live that way, so it’s there; that day to day touching in, with tenderness, to the material plane. I feel the elementals there with me. I love to acknowledge that connection. I don’t always acknowledge them, but when I do, I really love it and there is communion instantly!

[The song In Everything (Momosona) by Chris Rosser comes up on Pandora: https://www.pandora.com/#!/music/song/chris+rosser/in+everything+momosona ~ check it out, if you like.]

Liquid Consciousness on the Mundane Plane

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The melting that goes on within my energetic perceptual beingness when music becomes the key to unlock the natural expansion of my awareness consciousness is a beautiful and earthy touch on the mundane plane. The cat sitting on my lap seems to melt with me, as does the earlier calisthenics of the mental plane trying to sort something out that it has no business being involved in in the first place! Music, for me, is a deep ally as are the animal energies that I so often attract or attract to. What a gift it is to have been given back or given directly this ally relationship by landing in the color of my unique frequency within the realm of how my brain and physiology does the best when taking in information or nourishment. It’s like being given back a whole stash of gold coins that somehow slipped out of the lining of my pocket while I was distracted doing something else, who knows what!

And while I’m at it, let me announce my joy, my exquisite satisfaction with my visit to the hills that also feeds me so deeply as the sun begins to trail lower and lower bringing to the hills a shift in temperature and a lifting of the currents of air into a flow of wind that lift my spirits and bring me into a deeper harmony of self where clearings of residue happens naturally and effortlessly. And now, in this night, I feel a dance moving in the rhythms of the music that just so lightly and fluidly move in my body and spine, as well. Liquid spine. How does this translate into consciousness? What a good question ~ a question that seems worth pondering to me right now, but not from a mental frequency, some other way.

So ~ without the usual resistance in the pockets of the mind that so easily can be wired to the cerebral spinal fluid, the spine has freedom of movement in more ways than one or many. I remember this being or seeming to be opened in my awareness at one point in my experience. There was an extreme environment in which I was introduced at one time ago which allowed me to glimpse many things, but especially a vibrant introduction to how liquid is consciousness, especially the consciousness that seemed to be mine. And melting just a little bit more right now, my whole being stretches and yawns as it releases something unnecessary ~ Ah, having this global program that defines my spleen center right now… things just immediately getting washed through!

Many Companions

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I just have to write today. The days, months and weeks have gone by since visiting here, since inhabiting this space of page, words, laying down the companion words as they come, many companions. The times have been challenging for me, quite, over the last two months, possibly longer too, but especially the last two months. And now I am here.

After turning and turning in the night and dreaming layers of thoughts and images in between, I’ve woken to a new day, a bright day. What I may have looked to and anticipated once doesn’t always seem enjoyable another time; what once felt comforting and companionable, now has spines that I hadn’t noticed earlier. Or so it seems.

The world as it seems is so incredibly receptive to all that is present in the day, circumstances, and timings. I’ve had so, so many insights in the process of this challenging journey of late. Many, many sweet insights, dear insights that I do feel the rightness of this particular way, this particular experience for me in my life at this time. That feeling alone is quite an arrival in itself. Each insight is like a new companion along the way, as they have a presence,  a communication, and a connection within.

the human and animal conversation

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Local and non-local are terms that figure into a human and animal conversation. Many of us humans haven’t a real sense of what it can be like to live within a non-locality frame of reference. However, this frame of reference is exactly what animals can give us a sense of if we shift out of our ordinary state of mind and allow ourselves to perceive the world through a body that doesn’t live exclusively in a state dictated by time and measurement.